Orange & White Game Preview

By Alex Norman

On Saturday the Vols will play… well… the Vols in the annual Orange & White Game at Neyland Stadium.

This is an opportunity for Tennessee fans to lose their minds with the playing of a scrimmage.

To save you the trouble of actually attending the game or watching it on SEC Network Alternative Plus Web Dot Gif (or whatever channel it airs on), I’ve taken it upon myself to summarize the activities at Shields-Watkins Field.

Let’s light this candle…

The quarterbacks will show that they have the potential to be the best parts of Peyton Manning (think 1997 vs. Kentucky) or the worst parts of Nathan Peterman (think 2013 vs. Florida).

Junior quarterback Quinten Dormady will remind fans of Drew Bledsoe after he throws a 15 yard button hook to Marquez Callaway.  Redshirt freshman quarterback Jarrett Guarantano will be compared by fans to Steve Young when he scrambles out of the pocket and picks up a first down.

Both quarterbacks will also throw incompletions or (baby Jesus forbid) interceptions, which will make fans stress over the 2017 opener vs. Georgia Tech in Atlanta. “John and Jimmy, thanks for taking my call. You can’t make mistakes and be expected to win football games!”

Tennessee head coach Butch Jones will not tell the media after the game that he has made a decision regarding a starting quarterback. We will all have to wait until August to get that name.

Next up, the running backs.

Jalen Hurd is not going to repel from the top of the Neyland Stadium luxury boxes like “Sting” in the old WCW days.  However, Alvin Kamara will show up just so that Jones can underutilize him one last time.

Junior back John Kelly will have a few memorable runs, which will make fans think he will be the guy to win the program’s first Heisman Trophy.

The offensive line won’t give up a bone crushing sack, which will make some fans think that unit, which is the most experienced position group on the team, will be ready to dominate the SEC.  They’ll open up holes the size of the Panama Canal for the running backs, and give the quarterbacks enough time to bake a cake in the pocket.  Early enrollee Trey Smith will make a pancake block and fans will call him the second coming of Will Ofenheusle.

Of course, any defensive lineman that lays a serious lick on Dormady or Guarantano would be treated with disdain as equal of United Airlines treats its passengers.  The number one goal of spring football is to get out of it as healthy as you can, especially at a position like quarterback.  So there ain’t no way in Hades that Jonathan Kongbo gets a hand on the QB’s.

Fans will watch tight end Ethan Wolf and mistake him for tight end Eli Wolf and vice versa.  Aaron Medley will make some field goals and miss a couple, which will cause Tennessee fans to stress over late game situations in the fall.

Trevor Daniel will unleash a 65 yard punt with no rush, and some fan will call Tennessee “Punter U” to his buddy that had a few too many sips of Jack Daniels in the parking garage.

On defense a lineman (the much improved Darrell Taylor perhaps?) will run all the way across the field to make a tackle, and fans will call Brady Hoke the greatest assistant coach hire in Tennessee history.

In the secondary sophomore Baylen Buchanan will pick up a fumble and run it back 25 yards for a touchdown.  A fan will tell his son that Baylen’s father is former NFL All-Pro Ray Buchanan.

Linebacker Colton Jumper will be seen on the jumbotron and for some reason a fan will boo.

And the scoring system will confuse everyone to the point that interest will wain approximately 13 minutes into the afternoon.

So there you have it.  Saturday’s Orange & White Game in all its glory.  Enjoy the contest, everyone.  It’ll be a day to remember!

Yeah. September 4th can’t get here fast enough…

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