SEC Media Days Recap (in Advance)

By Alex Norman

People in the Southeast tend to take their college football a little bit too seriously.  Case in point the annual SEC Media Days event in Hoover, Alabama.

For four days, coaches and players from all 14 teams show up at the Wynfrey Hotel to talk about the upcoming season.  At the same time, hundreds of fans arrive and set up shop in the hotel lobby, hoping for a glimpse of their heroes and just maybe secure an autograph.

It is the highest of comedy to see the look of disgust on the face of Alabama coach Nick Saban as he is forced to ride an escalator to the lobby, where Crimson Tide fans are waiting with cheers and smiles.  Saban does all he can not to be around any of these people so the unintentional comedy scale goes through the roof.

But I digress.  SEC Media Days are taking place this week (July 14-17) and instead of you having to wait for the daily recaps, I’ve gotten out the crystal ball and can relay those messages right now.

(This is satire.  This is being written before the events actually take place.  Please don’t yell at me, sue me, or try to kidnap my pet ferret.)

Monday, July 14:

SEC Commissioner Mike Slive tells the media that four SEC teams will be playing in the inaugural four team college football playoff.

Auburn coach Gus Malzahn never actually answers any questions from the media.  Instead he just sits in the room while the final minute of the miracle wins over Georgia and Alabama are played on a loop.

Florida coach Will Muschamp is taken out of the Wynfrey Hotel on a stretcher after suffering a panic attack following the 75th consecutive question by a reporter asking if he feels he is on “the hot seat” this season.

New Vanderbilt coach Derek Mason explains to reporters that while the Commodores might not win as many games next season as they did with James Franklin in charge, they will be better prepared to discuss the quadratic equation.

Tuesday, July 15:

South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier shows up for media days directly from the golf course.  He spends all his allotted time talking about a long birdie putt he made on 17.  Halfway through the media sessions Spurrier takes off his golf shirt and declines repeated requests to put on a replacement.

Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen is seen at the hotel front desk asking if they could fax his updated resume to a Gainesville number.  Later in the day, Mullen expresses his love of living in Starkville and how it has the best Applebee’s in the nation.

Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin announces that a new Johnny Manziel-themed amusement park will be built beside Kyle Field in College Station. Admission will be $50 a person and all entrants receive a Johnny Football autograph and a stern warning from the NCAA.  Somehow, Manziel is not allowed by the NCAA to receive a penny of these proceeds, even though he plays in the NFL.

Tennessee coach Butch Jones sets the all-time SEC record with 822 clichés in a one hour media session. Jones also makes the surprise announcement that as many as 44 Vols will get the opportunity to play quarterback this fall.

Wednesday, July 16:

Missouri coach Gary Pinkel walks to podium, says “I told you we’d be good,” then drops mic and walks out of hotel.  An “SEC!” chant immediately begins from the media.

LSU coach Les Miles uses his time with the media to detail his 20 point plan for solving the ongoing crisis in the Middle East.  It is the most rational and thought out plan ever presented to the public.  After the speech, Miles spends 4 hours at a petting zoo.

Arkansas coach Bret Bielema tells reporters that moving to the SEC was a horrible idea and if he’s not let out of his contract he plans to “pull a Petrino” to get back to the Big Ten.  When asked exactly what “pull a Petrino” means, he just smiles and tells the media, “You’ll see.”

Thursday, July 17

Georgia coach Mark Richt finally admits that he has in fact lost control of his football team.

Ole Miss coach Hugh Freeze tells reporters if his Rebels lose the season opener to Boise State at the Georgia Dome that he will walk back to Oxford.  It’s the most interesting thing to happen to Ole Miss football in 50 years.

Kentucky coach Mark Stoops is only asked questions about Kentucky basketball.

And finally, Alabama coach Nick Saban uses his time to yell at fans, the media, his own players, the lady that prepared his Chick-fil-A sandwich, the Prime Minster of Canada Stephen Harper, anyone that has ever spoken the word “selfie,” and Clifford the Big Red Dog.  Fans in the lobby give him a standing ovation.

Football season is close y’all…

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