The Super Bowl I Don’t Want To Watch

By Alex Norman

Normally when the Super Bowl rolls around I can always find a reason to root for one of the teams… but I’m not going to lie.  I’m rooting for Glendale to be overrun by zombies because you would be hard pressed to find two teams that are more unlikeable than the AFC champion New England Patriots and NFC champion Seattle Seahawks.

The Patriots are the team of the Tuck Rule, the team of Spygate, the team of deflated footballs, the team led by the curmudgeon head coach Bill Belichick. Much like his former assistant coach Nick Saban, you don’t feel like either coach takes any enjoyment in their success.  Like Saban, Belichick holds the media in great distain, often berating them during press conferences.  When Belichick smiles you wonder if it is because he remembered kicking a kitten on the way to the office earlier in the day.

Their quarterback is one of the best of all time, but sweet mercy Tom Brady complains about everything.  And if anyone on defense gets within two feet of him, the personal foul flags will fly.

One of their best players, Aaron Hernandez, is on trial for murder. Hernandez has since been released but he’s still a Patriot.

If you want to talk about the Tennessee connection?  Even there we have a bad vibe.  Jerod Mayo missed most of the past two seasons due to injury so he won’t be playing in the Super Bowl.

Patriots fans pretend like they’ve been there forever when in fact the Pats nearly moved from the Boston area in the late 1990s.  Ask a Patriots fan if they know who Tony Eason is.  If they don’t, push them to the ground.

I don’t want to see New England win their fourth Super Bowl.

So what about the Seattle?  Surely there are some redeeming qualities, right?

Well, Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll bolted from the University of Southern California for the Seattle job right before the NCAA laid the hammer down following the Reggie Bush scandal. The NCAA put the Trojans under severe sanctions, including the loss of 30 scholarships over three years.  The Trojans also were forced to vacate the 2004 national title and all 12 wins during the 2005 season.

Carroll maintains that he *wink* had no idea *wink wink* that NCAA penalties were coming, and told the Los Angeles Times last June that, “Had we known that that was imminent … I would never have been able to leave under those circumstances. When I look back now, I would have stayed there to do what we needed to do to resolve the problem.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

The Seahawks have been disciplined and fined for violating NFL rules governing contact in off season practices.  The Seahawks have led the NFL in drug related suspensions during Carroll’s tenure.

If you want to talk about the Tennessee connection?  Even there we have a bad vibe.  Defensive tackle Tony McDaniel was dismissed from the Vols football team in 2005 after he punched a fellow UT student in the face during a pickup basketball game.  The punch caused Edward Goodrich to have four broken bones in his face and had to have a metal plate inserted.  McDaniel pled guilty to misdemeanor assault. In 2010 McDaniel was charged with domestic violence against his girlfriend.  Charges were later reduced to disorderly contact, and he was placed on six months’ probation.

Not exactly the poster child for the VFL program…

The Seahawks best player is running back Marshawn Lynch, who celebrates some of his touchdowns by grabbing his crotch in plain view to anyone watching at home or in the stadium.

Seahawks fans think that they are the best in the league and won’t stop telling you that they are the best in the league.  They also believe that they are the only fans in the league that get loud.

So I don’t want to see Seattle win their second straight Super Bowl either.

For all of these reasons, and others that won’t fit in this column space, the Patriots and the Seahawks will not exactly bring forth a 2011 Dallas Mavericks feeling of joy across the country.  Remember, those Mavericks beat the hated Miami Heat in LeBron’s first season in South Beach.

The problem here?  The Patriots and Seahawks are both the Heat.  Teams that are easy to hate.  It isn’t often that both teams in the big game are easy to hate.  Normally there is at least one underdog or a team fans are at least indifferent to in play.

So get the chips and beverages and watch the Super Bowl…

But you’ll probably want to take a shower after seeing Belichick or Carroll hold the Lombardi Trophy.

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