You Know You’re Old When …

By Dr. Harold A. Black
blackh@knoxfocus.com
haroldblackphd.com

You know you are old if:

Your hair is growing in your ears and not on your head.

Every artist you listen to is dead.

The last movie you saw was “African Queen.”

Old ladies open the door for you.

Your socks don’t always match.

You have a record collection.

Your first new car cost $1,750 and your new 13” color TV cost $550.

You have to think about how to get up from the couch.

You keep saying that the dog farted.

You can recognize the songs being played in department stores.

Your other half keeps introducing you as “the older black guy.”

You were going on a Walk for Alzheimer’s but forgot where it was.

You start calling your dog “dog.”

You think Catfish Hunter is someone who lived in the Okefenokee swamp.

You start liking Brussels sprouts.

You keep asking your other half to call you so you can find your phone.

You put ranch dressing in your coffee and cream over your salad and couldn’t tell the difference.

You went to buy new corduroy trousers this winter and the clerks had no clue what you were talking about.

Your eyebrows have dandruff.

You have to tie a belt to the end of the bed to pull you up in the morning.

You have started driving faster so you won’t forget where you were going.

Your son is a grandfather.

All your living heroes are dead.

The president is younger than you.

Your doctor hadn’t heard of the Supremes.

Naps are now called senility snoozes.

You thought Taylor Swift was a fast seamstress.

Your car keys keep hiding from you.

You need to add on to the bathroom sink to hold your prescriptions.

You need to set off the alarm to find your car at the mall.

The twinkle in her eye is from the reflection of the sun.

They start putting one candle on your birthday cake because of the fire hazard.

You think “atrophy” is what you won playing tennis.

When they say “smoking hot body,” you think of cremation.

Farting is a walking aid.

All of your favorite TV shows are reruns.

People come to visit and admire your antique furniture.

I stopped my other half from cooking. She must have thought I was a god when she kept placing burnt offerings before me.

Your love tattoo looks like a turnip.

The smoke alarm battery needs changing and you go around your house spraying for crickets.

You have been there and done that but can’t remember what that was.

You enjoy Mondays.

People say you are aging gracefully and they mean you are slowly looking worse.

When Mao said that the longest journey begins with a single step, I don’t think he meant going to the bathroom.

Milk used to be delivered to your front door.

Your mother used to buy her chickens at live kill shops.

Someone told me, “Have a good weekend.” I thought it was Tuesday.

Your grandparents had an outhouse (with Sears Roebuck catalogs and corn cobs).

You remember when Joe Biden had hair plugs.

When asked “How are you” you have to think before answering.

One great thing about having a partner your age is that she thinks you still look good.

You remember when 17” was a big-screen TV.

You always take a nap after lunch.

You remember when a refrigerator was called an ice box.

You think a photographic memory means you can remember every photograph you have ever seen.

The commercials on the TV shows you watch are mostly for ED or hair loss.

You remember when girls’ basketball was half-court.

When you get lost you can be found by a trail of used Kleenex.

You gave up golf because you could never remember where you hit the ball.

Holes in the knees of your jeans used to mean you were poor.

A night out means sitting on the front porch.

You need to remember things like “76 Trombones” or else you will forget your age.

You remember when a gallon of gasoline cost 99 cents.

You go looking for something and halfway there forget what you were looking for.

You can remember the name of your first-grade teacher but not that of your next-door neighbor.

One of your favorite singers last released a song 20 years ago.

You have outlived your life expectancy.

You suffer from CRS but can’t remember what that stands for.

Your parents’ grandparents were all slaves.