Lonely

By Joe Rector

The human soul goes through a flood of emotions during this time on earth. They lead an individual to unmeasurable joy or insufferable sadness. Of all these emotions, perhaps none is as ravaging as loneliness. My life has been filled with love and Amy and I have spent the last 50 years in marital bliss. Our spats have been few, and some have been heated, but through it all, we’ve been together. The loneliness that I have experienced is from different sources.

Loneliness is no stranger to any person who’s spent a few years on this planet. Children experience loneliness whenever their parents aren’t at home constantly. I remember the first time Amy and I went out for an evening after Lacey was born. Kate, our babysitter for that evening, was a pro at dealing with little ones. Yet, when we pulled out of the driveway, our last sight of Lacey was her face plastered to the living room window. She cried as if we’d abandoned her. She was fine, but her parents were crushed. We felt miserable the entire evening. Over our meal, we talked about Lacey, and the “date night” was cut short so that we could rush home to check on our child. Little did we know that our daughter would be a free spirit who couldn’t wait to separate from us and begin her college life.

During high school, couples who break up can be subject to loneliness. I had enough experience with it as girlfriend after girlfriend called for an end to our dating. After spending so much time with a female, I found difficulty in filling my time. I wanted to make amends for my shortcomings with those girls so that we could once again become couples. Of course, no reunion ever occurred. For the longest time, I was lonely. Something in my being required the company of a girlfriend.

Amy and I were separated for a few months. I moved back to Knoxville to begin my teaching career at Doyle High School, and she remained in Cookeville to attend classes at Tennessee Tech. Those weeks were times of misery, and as soon as school ended on Fridays, I was speeding down Interstate 40 to see her.We both lived with our parents, but loneliness filled our hearts and minds, even though we were with family.

Our son Dallas passed suddenly in September 2024. We were with him until the end, and we know that he is in a place where his suffering is finished and we know that we will see him again one day.Still, the loneliness that hits without him being here is both emotionally and physically painful. His absence leads to tears, anger and questions. The answers will come after this time on earth.

What I feel is loneliness. I miss his nightly phone calls. We discussed UT sports, politics, television shows and other topics. Sometimes our entire conversations were nothing more than swapping jokes. Since he’d moved back from Chattanooga, our relationship had developed to the point that we were best friends. Our best times were spent sitting on the porch or cooling ourselves in the pool. We alternated days on which we played each other’s music.

We’re not the first nor the last parents to lose a child. It’s not normal, not the way things are supposed to be. I’m especially lonely today, February 4. It’s his birthday.